Growing up I did not have many people I called friends and I have always wondered throughout life why I was different from other people, I mean I have had the occasional friend here or there but after a while we stop communicating and have since moved forward in different directions. I always wanted that picture perfect life I saw communicated on the tv screen where I would grow up and have everlasting friendships with the same key people throughout my life and we would travel and go on vacations and talk about our dating life and so on and so forth but sadly to much avail it never happened. In my adult life I have continued pondering especially within the last 10 months why it is has been so hard for me to obtain a friend that I can confide in without judgement and superiority? I need a few key people who can tell me like it is, is loyal, can laugh, cry, challenge, keep my business to themselves, and encourage me, as well as share in the partaking of eating food together? why has it been so difficult?
Well I wanted to talk about a recent account of my pursuit of friendship in which it ended, and I had to forgive and move forward. So, from the beginning I wanted to befriend this young lady who was in ministry at the old church I used to attend, and it was an epic fail. She wanted me to be in her group which consisted of a bunch of people (ages 16 to 30 mainly) most of them being in ministry along with her. The only problem was that I did not want to be a part of her group and it was nothing personal I just was not interested. I explained to her that what I needed was a confidant but she felt as if she could not be herself in reverse and I think it had a lot to do with her still wanting to explore certain things in her personal (outside of church) life (especially since it is no secret that she wanted to try smoking weed just for the experience) truly in order to be friends.
I mean most of the people who befriended me before I met her are all single mothers who have to plan around their kids, work life, and other responsibilities not that it is a problem I love them dearly. It was just I do not have any children and neither does she so I thought it would be cool because I’m the type that would travel and go to another country and it would be amazing to have another person who was capable of doing the same. Well, she denied my request and ignored the fact that I did not want to be in her group and in her words, “she did not have friends in her group,” she was the leader amongst those who were beneath her in terms of doing ministry. While she did embrace me as a sister in Christ, I still did not understand why we kept bumping heads with each other? and why she did not see that though we are sisters in Christ we could also be friends with each other? Not to mention that I found out later that she too was not truly trustworthy.
One day I asked for her email address because I moved about 6 hours away from where I used to live and I thought it would be cool to be pen pals( it was a stupid idea on my part I can admit it honestly) it was an attempt to get to know more about who she was and her story and vice versa I mean she agreed but turns out it was all a scam just to get more information about me so that she could include me in her group even after I had rejected her ministry. Anyways I went to visit my family because a family emergency had taken place and she asked me how long I was in town and invited me to have lunch I agreed against my better judgement and went anyway. I purposely used the time clarifying all the rumors one of her counterparts had spread throughout the church which I will talk about in another post and well I told her straight out that I did not have any hidden agendas and that I was not someone who was trying to get close to her for the sake of gaining something other than real friendship I mean it is not that serious.
After we ate breakfast we went to her house and further communicated and towards the end of the conversation the girl opened up about something personal but still attached me to her group by saying, “I’ve never told anyone else this in the group” and I set there thinking ok what was she not understanding? I mean, do I need to study another language in order to communicate to her? because obviously plain ole English was not efficient enough. Neither of us wanted to except the terms that each other was giving in the conversation. I was telling her that I would never be in her group while she was counteracting and telling me that I was most certainly in her group it sounds funny now that I am writing it all out but at the time it was not. That led me to believe there was something lost in the translation of our conversations and I am not sure what it was it was like she expected me to do what she wanted without question, but I guess she could argue the same. The funny part was that she gave me this analogy that we were like two blind people trying to high five each other and she had so many false perceptions as it pertained to my character. She even went as far as calling me a legalist which too may be turned into another blog post. She kept thinking she was hurting my feelings over every little thing and the truth was she was not. I can admit that I was defensive a bit because of the tone of our previous conversations through emails and text messages, things kept getting misconstrued.
Once I left to come back home, I left the idea of having her as a friend behind too. I told her straight out that I was not going to chase her in order for her to be my friend which is ridiculous. I learned through dealing with her that we actually matched each other’s personalities we were just so hit and miss that it was way to complex. I have never had to work for a friendship it just happens naturally but with her it was actually work and I was not about to beg anyone to befriend me. If you have read any of my past writings, I mentioned that I almost had a mental breakdown last year because of several things that had taken place in my past before I dedicated my life to Christ. Well this young lady has had similar experiences she has battled suicide and has familial dysfunction just like I do among other things we share in common.
I have learned from this situation not to ever beg anyone to be in my life who does not want the position of being that listening ear, that shoulder to cry on when I need it, the one that can handle my issues, their issues, and can pray and fast with me so we both can get closer to God. “They” or people say that everything happens for a reason and the reason for this being the way it is has absolutely everything to do with our misjudgments, rejections, and the like. Some would even say maybe God ordained it to be this way. Let’s face it we all have problems and we all need friends and to be connected on a more personal level we all choose key individuals and the truth is she made my list, but I did not make hers. I have also learned that it is extremely hard not to take things personal in any relationship and I realize now that it was for the better that we no longer contact each other.
The funny thing is I think if we truly needed each other the other would be there because of 1. Our love for God and His people and 2. We are sisters in Christ, and we care about each other. The truth is even though I was rejected if she ever did reach out my words would be the very title of this post that she indeed has a friend in me. Just remember there are people who are meant to be in your life and sometimes we may reject those who are and in doing so we miss out on great relationships. If someone does reject you then move forward and do not fret pray and ask God to send those who He has ordained to be connectioned and He will do it. Since all this has happened my life has changed and those key people who God established as both a friend and a sister in Christ have been there for me when I needed them to be.