I had an epiphany some time ago, once I finally settled in my new environment in Fresno California, I was able to take time and reflect on all that happened in the last couple of years. Last year I almost had a mental break down from all the stress I was under including working a full-time job, going back to school online, suffering from the loss of my grandmother, taking care of my family and so on and so forth. I realized that I was extremely tired and I had no strength I was mentally drained from life itself. I ended up losing consciousness at work one day and thought I was dying because my body was so weak that I could not keep my eyes open. It turns out that my body was low on potassium, very dehydrated and the doctors told me I had vertigo which is a sensation of dizzy spells.
I’ve come to the realization that after going through all of this I needed to get away from it all and with much prayer God opened a door for me to move away from the people I love dearly so that I can truly start my “recovery” and regain the strength I once had. I think it’s important that I mention some prior events that took place because it all plays apart in why I almost lost my mind. When I chose to rededicate my life back to God, I left everything and relocated with my family back to southern California from Las Vegas, Nevada. We moved into my grandmother’s one-bedroom apartment because we didn’t have the finances necessary to move into our own place, but I didn’t care I knew I needed to be back in California, so I was willing to share the small space. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t have any privacy, not to mention I slept sitting up in a chair with my feet boosted on my luggage bag and my mom and siblings shared the bed.
My grandmother was only 71 years old, on dialysis, and refused to change her diet because well she was stubborn like many of us, she had a very good sense of humor and made my family and I laugh constantly, she also had her moments when she talked about us harshly and we all loved her. In March of 2018 my grandmother died from a heart attack suddenly and left an unfillable gap in the hearts of my family members, my heart still hearts whenever I think about her. Right before she passed my mom had moved out and had gotten her own place and I had decided to stay and take care of my grandma but once she went into the hospital she never came out. Of course, this changed my entire life, but I had to be strong for my mother. I cleaned out my grandmother’s entire house because no one else had the strength to do it and, in a way, it was my way of saying goodbye because that was the last home she had.
Moving forward, I finally got approved to start my classes for school and months later I started work. I also helped my mom with either dropping off my siblings or picking them up from school as well as any other obligation I needed to fill. I would be so tired, but I knew my mom needed help, so I did my part. Once my mother and I started getting into little disagreements I knew that I needed a change, but I waited until I knew for sure what direction God wanted me to go in. Once the door was opened for me to move to Fresno, I gladly accepted but it too came at a price. When I first transitioned, I was depressed and homesick I felt as if I had abandoned my family and I would cry and pray because I am extremely close to them even though life around them is dysfunctional. I will never forget the day I received the call from my mom hysterically crying and stating that my uncle Ben had passed away this past March. I immediately shed tears and inquired of another family member about what happened and all anybody knew was that he was found dead in a hotel room. It took a month until we were able to have his funeral and the drama concerning my family members and his death is not something, I’m not willing to open up about. We are all still mourning.
My emotional health has been tested so many times but through it all God has kept me from being in a mental institution. I told a small part concerning some of the reasons I almost lost my mind but there’s more. In fact, before all of this took place, I was in a very unhealthy relationship that was on and off again for two years from the moment it started and that in itself carries its own plights for another blog post. This road that I’m on consists of prayer, trying my best to eat healthy, working on my mental health, my relationship with God, and getting to know who I am. I am learning to love myself and how to move forward after all I’ve been through. It’s important that I note that I’m a survivor like many people moving forward after suffering through life’s tragedies. I’ve been sexually abused, in a deadly car accident that should have killed me, drugged by someone that I thought loved me, taken advantages of, talked about, homeless, etc.…
It was said by one of the elders of the church I used to attend that I needed so much more healing and I agreed. I told her that I personally don’t hold grudges toward people and if people talk bad about me I just forgive and keep moving I’m not sure if she understood that the place where I’m at now in my life I just can’t handle all that drama. I tried my best to explain to my sister in Christ that my life is not necessarily all over the place I’m simply trying to come to terms with the results of my decision making thus far in my life and I just don’t have the energy to give to nonsense because I’m focused on finding the solutions to the problems in my life. I have become so forthcoming that I forget that my strong conviction applies to me and not everybody else, so I am learning to love people no matter what.
My road to recovery started when I surrendered my life to God, and now I’m focused on my healing and in doing so I like to encourage other’s as the Lord encourages me through his word, so I decided to list some of the things I do that helps my physical, emotional, and mental state:
- Go for walks, exercising helps
- I write, hence the blog
- I open up and talk to other people about what I’m going through
- I like making people laugh it gives me more purpose (I love seeing people smile)
- I focus on learning something new
- I read books
- I make sure I get plenty of sleep
- I talk to God as much as possible
- I listen to music that will relax me
I don’t know how long it will take but I’m counting my blessings and continuing on the road to recovery. If you or anyone else you know needs to recalibrate and conclude that a change is necessary even if it means physically moving away from what drains you in order to recover do it, it may be hard at first but God will see you through it, I know because I am finally at my place of contentment and I have so much peace. I’m telling my journey and experiences in hopes that people will take time out for themselves to recover from what ever they have been through, I know it’s easy to just push the problem to the back of your mind and try to forget or turn to alcohol or drugs to suppress whatever it is but there is a better way to deal and cope and that is through God and through seeking out the information that will help you heal properly. No matter how hard it gets you will recover and your testimony will be even greater.